I had an interesting topic in my group the other day. Some guy posted something about his life being boring and how he goes through breakdowns but he's never been through abuse or anything. He said he grew up in a good home surrounded by love but for some reason he goes through break downs. He asked if anyone ever wanted to end their life because it was so boring. I thought it was interesting that people were posting saying that they haven't been through abuse or anything but go through anxiety.
But I don't really think that people can compare their problems to others. I mean they were talking about how some people just seem to be so happy in life. Everyone goes through different things in life; and we all come from different backgrounds. Even people that seem to be smiling all the time don't have a perfect life. They have been through things as well. I don't think there is such thing as a perfect life. I mean define what perfect is. Perfect doesn't exist. Just like normal. What's normal? There is not one person who can go through life and say that they have not been hurt at one time. Just because someone seems to be really happy and seems to be doing fine, doesn't mean that they haven't been through rough spots in life or that they aren't going through some right times.
I believe life is what you make of it. A few people have asked me why I decided to help people in life and why I want to help others in life. Well, there are actually quite a few reasons. When I was growing up, I went through physical abuse from both my parents, but especially my father. I was afraid of my father for a long time until I finally had the courage to stand up to him. But that only made him more upset and I think that's why we clashed. He wasn't use to someone standing up to him. My dad was the type of guy who always thought he was right and would say whatever was on his mind, not caring if he hurt someone's feelings. I use to think that he enjoyed tearing into people. Anyways, when I was younger, we moved around alot because my dad was always losing his job and having to find another one. It was difficult making close friends since I knew that I would be moving again. So the things I went through, I went through them alone. Not only that, but I knew that I couldn't go to the police since my dad said he would tell them I was suicidal and that I cut myself. I didn't want to be locked up in a mental instutition or psyche ward so I just stayed where I was. I kept my mouth shut and just continued to suffer in silence. Looking back now, I wish I would have just gone ahead and told someone about it and received help. It would have been better then enduring the abuse day after day after day.
When I was 13, my dad was falsely accused of sexual harrassment at his work. We were living in Pennsylvania at that time. Apparently, some lady my dad worked with had just gone through a divorce and he was just trying to encourage her and help her through it. He did admit to flirting with her, but he said he never cheated on my mom. Well, this lady was upset that my dad wouldn't cheat on my mom with her, so she went to Human Resources, making up a story that my father was sexually harrassing her. They believed her side of the story and didnt even listen to my dad. Needless to say, they fired him immediately. My mom believed that my father had cheated on her and had an affair. It totally ruined my mom. She sunk into deep depression. I would hear her crying all the time as she would lock herself up in the bathroom or bedroom for hours at a time. I couldn't get through to her, I could never reach her. My dad spent time with her, so I never really got to repair the relationship with my dad. My mom ruined it for me. She made sure to keep me away from my dad. I wasn't allowed to go into his study to see him because she told me I would just be distracting him. My mom was so insecure that she clung to my dad even more and made him repeat things such as she was the only woman he loved and the only one for him. One day when I was standing in the doorway of my bedroom, my father passed by, looked at me and told me that he just wanted to die. My mom had driven him to the point where he wanted to end his life. I had never seen my father look so miserable as I did that day. It was even worse when they would get into arguments and my mom would tell my dad to hit her. She wanted him to abuse her. I wish I could have gotten through to my mom, I wish that I could have saved her from the depression she was going through.
So while my mom was going through depression, I was going through stress myself. I became suicidal and started self-inflicting to release emotional pain that I felt. My parents made me see psychiatrists because they made me believe something was wrong with me. I tried to tell them that I was going through a hard time, but they didn't listen. In fact, they encouraged me to end my life. Everyday I would look in the mirror and hate the girl I saw staring back. I became my own worst enemy. I just wanted to die because the pain was so intense that I felt. Inside I felt emotionally dead. I continued to go through the abuse. One night I will never forget is when my math teacher called my mom to tell her I forged a signature on my progress report. Things were so bad at home that my grades really dropped. I use to make A's, but my grades slipped to D's and F's. I didn't want my parents to see my progress report but I knew I had to turn it in. So I ended up signing my mom's name on it. The teacher was smart and figured it out by comparing it to my mom's real signature. So she called my mom at home that night to let her know about it. Also, at that time, I was dating a guy and my parents didn't want me dating at all. They always tried to control my life. Picking out the college I was to attend, the major I was to have, the guys they wanted me to date, you name it, they controlled it. Anyways, my teacher told my mom about my dating relationship. My dad came home and my mom told him everything. I was in 8th grade when all this happened. He stormed downstairs, grabbed my arm, and dragged me outside to the back porch. We were living in Michigan, it was November, and really cold. I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt so I was freezing. Well, my dad started yelling at me and twisted my arm behind my back. I'm fortunate he didn't break it. Then he threw me off the porch and shoved me to the ground. He went back inside and locked the door so I couldn't go in. I stayed out there for about an hour until my brother opened the door.
Even when they knew I was cutting, they never wanted to get me help. In 9th grade, I attended a Christian highschool and I nearly got thrown out. I had cut my wrist and bandaged it. People asked me what happened so I lied and said I cut myself on my locker. Well, this one girl overheard me telling my friend what really happened. She went straight to the principal's office and told the principal I was going around telling everyone I was going to kill myself when that wasn't even the case. My parents were called in and were informed that if their daughter kept threatening suicide, she would be thrown out. Instead of my parents asking me why I was cutting myself, they just said that I was ruining their reputation as parents. They ruined their own reputation as parents. All they ever cared about was how they looked in the eyes of other people. I'm just thankful that I had my brother there for me growing up. He always told me that nothing was my fault and he even would make me leave the house when my parents were fighting. Even to this day, my brother is still there for me. We live 45 minutes away from each other, but I know that he is only a phone call away.
But I went through my childhood and teen years hearing how much my parents hated me, how they didnt want me, how I was a mistake, that I was delusional, warped, retarded, etc. Nothing I did was good enough for them. I tried to live up to their expectations for my life, tried to make them happy. The abuse never went away though. No matter how hard I tried to be what they wanted, they just kept on. My room became my safety place. I would crawl up in a corner and just cry. Most nights I cried myself to sleep as I heard my parents arguing and fighting. To me, home was an emotional hell. I always dreamed of getting out of there and making something of myself. It's as if I knew that by breaking free, I could go on to better things, that I could have a better future. The day I moved out of my house at 17 was the day that I gained my freedom.
Now, today, at 21 years old, I'm helping others who have gone or are going through the same or similar things in their life. I'm doing what I want to do. I just got hired at the Officer's Club here on base. I have wonderful friends who encourage me daily and motivate me to keep on going. They believe in me. They've given me the hope and faith that I thought I had lost. I am looking into taking online courses to get my degree in psychology so that I can help others out. I want to publish my poetry and write a book. My grandfather who I just got in touch with after 14 years is going to help me with Family History Research. Things are starting to look up in my life because I know what my calling is, I know what my purpose is. I want to be there for others so that they don't feel lost and alone. So they don't sink into depression, so they know that a better future waits for them, that their future doesn't have to reflect their past. I am starting to write alot of poems again. Two of my poems are going to be published in a book that is a collection of stories and poems from other abuse survivors. The book is coming out in 6 months to a year, but it is by an author named Rodney Timms who is an abuse survivor himself. Im really excited about this. Now I am working on coming out with my own book. To me this is like a dream come true.
I guess what I am trying to say is make the most of your life. Dont blame yourself for things that have happened to you because it's not your fault. You had no control over it. But don't just dwell on the bad memories. Look for the open door in life because there are always open doors in life. We just have to be willing to walk through them, to take the chance in order to find our calling in life, our reason, our purpose. If we never open that door, then we will never know what we can do or what we can become in our lives. We have to be willing to take that first step. Sure we all go through things. Everyone does. However, the people who have made it far in life are the ones who didn't let anything stop them, who were willing to go through that open door. Who just wouldn't accept defeat and blocked out the negativity around them. Those are the ones who have gone on to make something of themselves, who have moved on to better days because they chose to leave the past behind them.
You have three choices in life-you can accept what happened to you and do nothing about it, you can dwell on it and let it take over you, or you can keep fighting and do something about it. I choose to keep fighting in life. I choose to keep on living because I know that I am free from the pain that I have felt for so long. I know it is taking time for my emotional scars to heal, but I'm not letting anything hold me back from achieving my dreams in life. I don't care if people think I am not normal because I go through anxiety attacks, because I see shadows sometimes, because I use to self-inflict. What is normal anyways? Who is to say what normal really is? You can't define that word. Dont let others bring you down and tell you that you won't amount to anything. Be yourself and keep on fighting in life. The fact that you have made it this far after going through all the hardships that you've endured proves that you are a fighter and survivor in life.
So keep on pursuing your dreams. Break away from the negativity. Surround yourself with positivity. You can do anything you set your mind to. Hey, your story can be used to reach others, to show them that you can go on to better things, that life does get better. A friend of mine told me once, "If you don't ever face your fears, then what is the point of living?" If I hadn't have faced my father and stood up to him, I wouldn't be where I am today and I wouldn't be the strong person that I am today. It took a decision on my part to break free, to take that risk and I am sure glad I did. So don't give up in life. Keep fighting, because life is worth it :).
Jenna Kandyce Linch
I know that I only speak about the abuse I went through as a child and how I've fought to overcome it. Yet I realized last night that there are other things about me that I haven't spoken about, other things that I have gone through that are really tearing me up inside because I haven't spoken about them. I locked them away, trying to ignore them and fight them on my own. But now I know that I just can't hold it in anymore and that I need to share about the effects the abuse had on me. This isn't going to be easy for me to write, but I want others out there to know just how much abuse can affect others and how it can cause them to do things because of the pain and the scars it has left behind. There are people out there who are fortunate enough to have not gone through abuse, but some of them don't understand what we abuse survivors go through, they don't understand the after-effects of the abuse that we had to endure.
As I've said before, I moved out of my house at 17 to escape the abuse I was going through. I thought that when I moved out, I would forever be free from all the pain. I never realized the affects the abuse would have on me and how tough it would be for me to trust others and allow people to get close. But because of the abuse I went through, I went through flashbacks and anxiety attacks that led to even more self-infliction. In 2004, I was dating another guy who was in the Air Force. I went over to Germany to see him since he was stationed over there. Valentine's Day of 2004 we got engaged in Paris but of course, the whole relationship didn't work out and we split up later on in September of 2004. But back in 2004 when I was in Germany, I tried to OD one time and had really bad flashbacks. I didn't want to die but at the same time I wanted the pain to end. So when he was at work, I tried to OD and kept cutting myself. I couldn't stop. This was only one of the first attacks I was going to go through.
I guess things got really bad in 2005. For most of my single years, I had guys hit on me and flirt with me including guys who were over 10 years older then me. Most of them just wanted to have sex with me. Ok let me back up and say that when I was a little girl, I was molested by a male doctor. I use to have bladder problems that came as a result of being diagnosed with cerebral palsy when I was born. I couldn't control my bladder for a long time and had to take medication for it. I was 12 years old and I had to go to the doctor's for another appointment to get my medication, kind of like a checkup. However, my regular doctor wasn't in at the time. So they had me see another doctor that was available. Of course, my mom went back there with me like she always did. This doctor told me that he needed to check down there so of course I pulled my pants down so he could see. He wasn't even wearing gloves and he just felt me all over down there. As a little girl, I didn't think anything of it and neither did my mom. He said he wasn't going to hurt me and to trust him. Yet, during that whole appointment he never talked about the medication or the bladder problems. I vaguely remember that day, but later on my mom told me she thought it was weird that he did that, that he didn't have to do that. She said that the doctor was supposed to give me a prescription for the medication and ask me how things were progressing. There never should have been any of that stuff going on. I guess I thought that since he was a doctor, it was ok for him to do that, that it was his job. Looking back, I realize that he was using his authority as a doctor to feel me down there and touch me down there. He had no right to do that when it wasn't a checkup I was going in there for. So to this day, I am not comfortable with being alone with a male doctor. I prefer to go to a female doctor if I can.
Ok now on to 2005 when I lost all respect for myself. Because of the abuse I went through as a child and because my father never showed me any love, I started going out looking for it. My friend and I would go to the Navy base alot and try to pick up guys. All the guys were attracted to me. I knew they were, too. So I became a tease and would flirt back with all of them. I had no confidence in myself and lost respect. I thought guys would like me more if I became a tease and acted like a slut. No, I never had sex with any of them but I got physical in other ways. However, guys would just use me and get rid of me and move on to someone else when they would get stationed somewhere else. Even though they would tell me that they would continue to be with me and send for me when they left, it was all a lie. They never loved me or cared about me. I had so many bad run-ins though. One night my friend decided to take one of our Marine friends to a bar. Even before we left base he was all ready really drunk. But she agreed to take him to the bar anyways. Well he started hitting on me, saying I was cute and all that. I didnt think anything of it. He called his mom and told her he had met this really nice girl and he let me say hi to her. I told her she must be proud of her son and that he was a great guy. Up until that night, I thought he was a great guy. Later on I went outside to call the guy that I was trying to get together with to see if he was off duty so I could go back on base and see him. I was teasing and said I was a good kisser. When I hung up and went to walk away, the Marine who was out there, pulled me to him and forced a kiss on me. He said he wanted to test the theory out. I walked away and he did it again and then one more time. The guy was stronger then me so I couldn't just pull away easily. Yet my friend later told me that I set myself up for it and deserved it. That was only one incident with a guy I had. I would have guys treat me like that and just use me. Sometimes I would allow them to touch me and do things to me. Other times, though, I wouldn't allow it and they would just take advantage of me. One night I was in my friend's apartment watching a movie with one of the guys I was dating. He was leaving the next day for California. After the movie, he just started taking off my clothes, wanting sex. He thought that I wanted it and I never said I did. I told him to slow down that I wasn't ready. Thankfully he stopped and didn't do anything further. I had another guy friend take my hand one time and place it on his crotch. Another one got drunk and when we were at the beach, it was just the two of us, he raised my shirt and started doing things. Thankfully I walked off. Another one tried to do the same thing when he was drunk.
Let me just say that during this time, I would drink every weekend at my friend's house and there were alot of times where I initiated the getting physical part. I thought that if I let a guy feel all over me, he would want to be with me and not leave. I thought that guys would like me more if I acted that way. I had totally lost respect for me and it didnt help that guys would lead me on and then lie to me about wanting to be with me. I was a completely different person. It caused me to be even more depressed and I felt so much shame when these guys would use me. Yet I kept on being a tease. I figured that nobody would ever love me so why not just have fun with guys? I lost my self-esteem though and lost my self-confidence. I ended up in August of 2005 going to Atlanta to get away from that lifestyle because I wasn't happy with how I was living. I wanted to turn my life around. But I was going to find that I would face things there as well.
In Atlanta, I was introduced to this guy by one of my friends. I had no idea that he was a pimp. I thought at the time that he was just looking for girls to go on dates with guys, kind of like an escort thing. I was like ok, that's cool, nothing wrong with that. Well, he took her home and I was alone with him. We went back to his apartment because he said he had a few calls to make and that he had to get something. I changed my clothes at his place because I thought I was going out on a date that night. That was when he told me that he was looking for girls to prostitute. I told him I was a virgin and he was like yea, she told me about that. Then he said he needed to break me in so I would be ready to give these guys what they were paying for. He turned on porn and then he exposed himself in front of me, wanting me to give him oral. I stood up for myself and told him that I had values and morals and was not about to do that. Fortunately he gave me a ride back to Job Corps. However, he pulled over on the side road and started smoking a cigarette. It had marijuana it so he was starting to get high. He took my hand and started talking to me, looking at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. Well, a cop car happened to come up at that time. I guess maybe they had been following us or something. It was an undercover cop car. They made us get out of the car and searched the whole car finding the marijuana. They even searched my bag and I told them I didnt have any drugs. The guy told them that I was clean and to let me go. I was so scared! I didnt want to get thrown out of Job Corps because I had no place to go. The police told me I could go so I walked back to Job Corps. But who knows what would have happened if that cop car had not pulled up that night.
Honestly, I had thought of going into prostitution. I was at a low point at that time and thought hey I'll be making money and will be able to afford things. Yes, I actually considered taking the guy up on his offer and working for him. I had given up on myself and was still struggling with the abuse I went through. The guy had even told me that I would never find true love so I might as well just do this. Im glad I didn't go through with it though. I am so glad that I came to my senses and stood up for myself. He told me that I was acting like a child and needed to grow up. He said I was immature and tried belittling me. That wasn't the first time I had thought about being a stripper or entering prostitution. But like I said, I never did either and I'm glad I didnt.
My cutting got out of hand when I went back to it. I would have flashbacks about things in my past. Let me just say that when I go through these anxiety attacks, I sometimes become that little girl again, trapped in the corner of my bedroom or bathroom. I use to lock myself up after my father would abuse me and blame myself for it. I thought that I did something bad to have my father abuse me and get so angry with me. For a long time I blamed myself. Well when these anxiety attacks occur, I do become a little girl again and the scary thing is that I can't always remember what happened afterwards. A few times I have gone into the bathroom and self-inflicted, then passed out and woke up wondering why I was bleeding and why I was in the bathroom. It's really scary. I think that I do dissociate during these times. I know you guys may think differently of me after reading all this, but I just want people to realize the damaging affects of abuse. Girls who have been abused will sometimes do things like strip and prostitute because they are insecure and haven't healed yet. They've never had anyone tell them they are beautiful and special and give them the love they need. Some victims turn to cutting like I did. Yet, we don't want to be like that. We want to stop but we haven't allowed ourselves to heal and when no one is there to help us to heal and tell us we're going to be ok, we resort to those things. So many people don't understand the things we went through so they walk out on us. They think that there is nothing that they can do to help us since they haven't been through it. I know because my husband (soon to be ex) told me I wasnt normal and that he wasn't my shrink. He said he gave up on helping me. That's why I tend to keep things locked inside because the people I need to be there for me aren't there.
My parents knew about my cutting back when I was growing up. Yet they walked off and didnt get me help for it. My father would only tell me that I was a moral failure who would always struggle with thoughts of suicide my whole life. He never told me he loved me. He left me alone to face it alone. As a result I fell apart and did things I regret. I wanted to die, I really did. I looked in the mirror and hated myself. I hated myself for letting him make me feel so much shame and for putting me through hell. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. More then once, I have tried to commit suicide because I lost control and couldn't handle the pain anymore. I know I dont speak about this, but I felt that I needed to let this out. This is something i went through. When I hear about teens commiting suicide because they felt alone in life, my heart breaks. I know what it's like; I've been there before. I know what it's like to have everyone give up on you and for the people who you need to be there for you to just walk out. I know what it's like to try to speak out and get ignored. Abuse can leave so many damaging affects. Like I said before, it can cause people to do things like cut, prostitute, take drugs, drink, do things to try take away the pain. But the pain doesn't go away when we do those things. For the pain to go away, we have to allow ourselves to heal and we have to be willing to get the help that we need even when nobody is there to stand with us.
But you know what, just because we go through these things, doesn't mean we are messed up. It just means that we have scars that we need to allow to heal. And when people tell us we aren't normal and label us as freaks, we need to just realize that they don't understand what we've been through and that if they were a real friend and loved us, they would get us help. People that I love and people that mean alot to me have labeled me for this stuff. That's why for a long time I was afraid to share any of this with anyone. I didnt want people to judge me on it. But now I don't care, I want to share my story because there are others like me, so many others out there who are going through the same things. And I know my story can help them and give them hope and show them they are not alone. I understand why people cut because I am a self-inflicter. Yes, I do slip up sometimes. But that doesnt make me a bad person. Sure, I was a tease in my past, I've done things I regret. I looked for love in the wrong places. I've hated myself and wanted to die and tried to end my life. I've slit my wrists, slit veins in my arms, ODed, drank alot, yes I have done things. However, I am standing strong, fighting to overcome it, getting my life back on track because I know that there are others that need help that need to know they are not alone in these things. I just want people to see that abuse victims and survivors go through alot, that abuse is damaging in so many ways. Abuse makes a person feel so ashamed of themselves, makes them feel worthless, like they aren't normal. Abuse traps them and makes them feel that they did something to deserve it. No abuse victim and survivor deserved to go through it and didn't ask for that pain and the after-effects of it. It is not our fault we went through it. we don't want to hurt anymore, we don't want to hurt ourselves. We just want the pain to end and we just want someone to tell us it's ok that we are going to make it in life, that things will get better.
To all those survivors and victims out there, I want you to know that I have been there, that I know the pain you feel. Please don't give up though. Please get help. You don't need to go through this alone. You are just an innocent person who never deserved any of it. You did nothing to deserve to go through the abuse. Don't let anyone tell you that. You are a person with feelings and emotions, too. Sure, you may be broken inside, because I know I am. I know it has taken me a long time to heal. But please dont give up in life. Keep fighting because life offers so much and it's what you do with your life that counts. Don't let people tell you your life is over because of what you went through. Stand strong even if you have to stand alone. As for not being normal, normal doesnt exist. You are a person like anyone else who deserves to have a better life. If no one is there to tell you it's going to be ok, then let me be that person to tell you that it is going to be ok, that you don't have to go through it anymore, that you are free from the abuse and that there is a new future waiting for you. Let me be the one to tell you that it's ok to make mistakes and to fall, that when it happens, just pick yourself up again. You don't have to be perfect because you are beautiful the way you are. I don't see the flaws and imperfections, I see people who are fighting to overcome the pain and start healing. As an abuse and suicide survivor, I know what it's like to want to give up, to want to die, to think that's the only way to be free from pain. Please dont resort to that. Speak out about what you are going through. There are people out there who do understand and who are there to help you in life's journey. Keep fighting. You are a special person and a new life waits for you. I dont want people to make the same mistakes I made. If I could, I would take away all the pain that others feel. And yes, I am in tears right now thinking about this. When others dont understand what you went through and walk away, know that you will always have a friend in me who cares about what you go through and when you fall, I will be the one to pick you up and help you back on your feet. So please, keep fighting. You're not alone in this and it is not your fault.